OUT OF NIGERIA FOR TOO LONG
You know you've been here (in Europe / America / United Kingdom) too long when you
- "Truck" instead of "Lorry"
- "SUV" instead of "Jeep"
- "Forget it" instead of "Fashi"
- "Wuz up" instead of "How far now"
- "Hood" instead of "Bonnet"
- "Trunk" instead of "Boot"
- "Stop making fun of me" instead of "Stop
yabbing me" or "Stop abusing me"
- "Gas station" instead of "Petrol Station"
- "Fries" instead of "Chips"
- "Big Mac, Chicken McGrill, * Pounder" instead of
just plain "Burger"
- "Crispy" instead of "Cripsy"
- "Fireworks/Firecrackers" instead of "Banga"
- "Soda/Pop" instead of "Minerals"
- "Coccaine/weed" instead of "gbana"
- "Crazy" instead of "We re" (I"m sure
the spelling aint right)
- "Laundry Detergent" instead of "OMO"
- "Dryer" instead of "Hang it in the sun"
- "Service" instead of "Sa veece" (e silent)
- "Stupid" instead of "Olodo/Ode"
- "Cinder Block" instead of "Bricks"
- "Concrete" instead of "Cement"
- "Peugeot" instead of "Pe-geot"
- "Trash Can" instead of "Dozbin"
- "Shower" instead of "Bath"
- "Power is out" instead of " NEPA has taken
- "Phone is dead/cut off" instead of "NITEL"
- "Cop" instead of "MoPol"
- "Traffic Light" instead of "Yellow Fever"
- "Cab" instead of "Taxi"
- "E-Mail" instead of "What???" (Just
kidding some know what e-mail is)
- "Hit me up later" instead of "We go yan"
- "Pass Out" instead of "Graduate"
- "Security Guard" instead of "Gateman"
- "Cafeteria" instead of "Canteen"
- "Faucet" instead of "Tap"
- "Steal" instead of Tap"
- "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit" (Cabin)
- "Pants" instead of "trouser/trousee"
- "underwear" instead of "pant"
- "VCR" instead of "Video"
- "Movie" instead of "Film"
- "Extensions" instead of "Attachment"
- "Lotion" instead of "Cream"
- "Compact/Press Powder" instead of
- "Cornrows" instead of "weave"
- "Weave" instead of "Weave-on"
- "Suitcase" instead of "Box"
- "High school" instead of "Secondary
- "Grade school" instead of "Primary school"
- "Wifebeater" instead of "singlet"
- "Sneakers" instead of "Canvas"
- "Soccer" instead of "Football"
- "Motorcycle" instead of "meshin", or
- College" instead of "yunivasiti"
- "Car" instead of "moto"
- "Flipflops" instead of "silpas"
- "Nail polish" instead of "Cotex"
- "Braids" instead of "Bob Mali"
- "gum" instead of "chin-gum"
- "smoke" instead of "tab"
- "Shower" instead of "Baaf"
- "Clothes" instead of "Spoot"
- "Hallway" instead of "Corridoor"
- "Living/Sitting Room" instead of "Paalor
- "Balcony" instead of "Varanda"
- "Stab/Poke" instead of "Chook"
- "Ballpoint" instead of "Buyro" or "Beek"
- "African American" instead of "... ok I won't
- "Sandals" instead of "Bata"... as in
- "VW Bug" instead of "Bittle"
- "Arithmetic" instead of "Mats"
- "Abroad" instead of "Oversis"
- "Luggage" instead of "Load" ... or for my
Igbo peeps... "Ngwongwo"
- "Menthol" instead of "Veeks"
- "Tetanus" instead of "Jeega Shot (rx)"
instead of "injekshun"
- "Boss" instead of "Oga"
- "CEO" instead of "Oga Pata pata"
- "Manners" instead of "Home training"
- "Circle" instead of "roundabout"
- "Projects" instead of "GRA ...government
- "Apartment building" instead of "blok of
- "Carpool" instead of "Kabu kabu"
- "Flashlight" instead of "touch"
- "Hoe ( not the digging instrument )" instead of
- "Knock knees" instead of "k leg"
- "Eye infection" instead of "Appolo" ...
cureable only by flushing eyes out with sugar water
-Tech in Nigeria
The day's stress getting into you? You need to read this.
An American, a Japanese, and a Nigerian were sitting naked in
Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The American presses his
beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager,"
says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes
phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he
explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in
The Nigerian, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be
had to do something just as impressive. He steps Out of the
to the toilet. He returns with a piece of Toilet paper hanging
butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow!
getting a Fax," he explains.
You know you are flying Nigeria Air when.......
- You get to the airport before the ticket counter staff.
- Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator.
- The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says
.." beg yu checkeen dis piece of luggage fah mi nuh...
- Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the
p.a.system says that "..this is NOT a boarding
- You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is
trying to get a Toyota engine block into the overhead
- At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal
Agent (body guard or escort).
- No magazine or news paper to read unless if you bring one.
- Everybody is trying to figure out what "Port of
- When the passenger next to you slowly leans away from you
while raising one leg and mutters .. "Yes bwoy, DAT is
- Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to
"heat up dis fufu soup fi mi nuh deariee".
- The overhead compartment smells like fish and rum.... then it
starts to drip on you.
- Most of the passengers clap and clap when the pilot lands the
- Everybody who has a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave
goes straight to the "Nothing to Declare" line
- The steward serves you a hard bread bun and tells you "ol
boy, no Tea oh"
An American priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C.
After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber
said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer
books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a British police officer on vacation came in and got
his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said,
"No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and
a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Nigerian Businessman came in and got a haircut. When he was
done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "If you are
really a Nigerian then you don't have to pay since you are from the
same country as Akeem Olajuwon the basketballer."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12
Nigerians in front of his door waiting for a haircut!!!
One day the National Electric Power Authority (NEPA) put up a notice
that said: "To help us help you, please report all electric
faults to us. Thank you."
About a week later one man just went to the NEPA station to report
electric faults in his area. When he got to the station, the old man
"I hope there is no problem O. I just came here to report that
we have been having frequent power supply in our area for the past
NEPA is the electric power company in
Nigeria, and they are known for randomly cutting off the power
supply. In fact, there used to be a joke that NEPA stands for
"Never Expect Power Always".
The Maker of all human beings is recalling
manufactured, regardless of make or year,
due to the serious
defect in the primary and central component
of the heart.
This is due to a willful malfunction in the
units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in
the reproduction of
the same defect in all subsequent units.
This defect has been technically termed,
Non-morality," or more commonly known
as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.
Some other symptoms:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Foul vocal emissions
[c] Amnesia of origin
[d] Lack of peace and joy
[e] Selfish or violent behavior
[f] Depression or confusion in the mental
The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor
at fault for this
defect, is providing factory authorized
repair and service free
of charge to correct this SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most
generously offered to
bear the entire burden of the staggering
cost of these repairs.
There is no additional fee required.
The toll free number to call for repair in
all areas is:
Once connected, please upload your burden
of SIN through the
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair
Technician, Jesus, into
the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect
Jesus will replace it with:
Please see the operating manual, HOLY
BIBLE, for further details
on the use of these fixes.
As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has
made available to all
repaired units a facility enabling direct
assistance from a resident Maintenance
The Holy Ghost.
Repaired units need only make Him welcome
and He will take up
permanent residence on the premises!
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human
being unit without
correction voids the Manufacturer's
warranty, exposing the unit
to dangers and problems too numerous to
list and will result in
the human unit being permanently impounded.
For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
DANGER: The human being units not
responding to this recall
action will have to be scrapped in the
The SIN defect will not be permitted to
enter Heaven so as to
prevent contamination of that facility.
Thank you for your attention.
THE ROAD TO SUCCESS
The road to success is not straight.
There is a curve called Failure,
A loop called Confusion,
speed bumps called Friends,
Red lights called Enemies,
caution lights called Family.
You will have flats called Jobs.
if you have a spare called Determination,
an Engine called Perseverance,
insurance called Faith, and
A driver called God,
you will make it to a place called Success.
A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many
months he had admired a beautiful sports car
in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford
it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation
Day approached the young man awaited signs that his father had
purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his Graduation, his father called him
into his private study. His father told him how proud
he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved
him. He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift
box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the
found a lovely, leather-bound Bible,
with the young man's name embossed in bold. Angrily, he raised
his voice to his father and said, "With all your
money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house,
leaving the Bible.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in
business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful
family, but realized his father was very old and thought perhaps
go to him. He had not seen him since
that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he
received a telegram telling him his father had passed
away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to
come home immediately and take care of things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret
filled his heart. He began to search through his
father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he
had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the
Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully
underlined a verse, Matthew 7:11 "And if ye, being evil,
know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall
your Heavenly father which is in heaven, give to those
who ask Him?" As he read those words, a car key dropped from
the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's
name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On
the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words 'PAID IN FULL.'
How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not
packaged as expected? If this touched your heart please pass it on...
On a lighter mood....I attended a burial of my friend's grand father yesterday. Their tradition is that, at every
burial ceremony, an old man would come out and announce the next person to die.
So this old man said the first person to leave the burial ground will be next to die.
Since yesterday, we are still at the burial ground. Even a 95-year old elderly man is asking me if my parents won't be looking for me.
My people, nobody wants to die!
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