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OUT OF NIGERIA FOR TOO LONG  

(Source: unknown)

You know you've been here (in Europe / America) too long when you say:
  • "Truck" instead of "Lorry"
  • "SUV" instead of "Jeep"
  • "Forget it" instead of "Fashi"
  • "Wuz up" instead of "How far now"
  • "Hood" instead of "Bonnet"
  • "Trunk" instead of "Boot"
  • "Stop making fun of me" instead of "Stop yabbing me" or "Stop abusing me"
  • "Gas station" instead of "Petrol Station"
  • "Fries" instead of "Chips"
  • "Big Mac, Chicken McGrill, * Pounder" instead of just plain "Burger"
  • "Crispy" instead of "Cripsy"
  • "Fireworks/Firecrackers" instead of "Banga"
  • "Soda/Pop" instead of "Minerals"
  • "Coccaine/weed" instead of "gbana"
  • "Crazy" instead of "We re" (I"m sure the spelling aint right)
  • "Laundry Detergent" instead of "OMO"
  • "Dryer" instead of "Hang it in the sun"
  • "Service" instead of "Sa veece" (e silent)
  • "Stupid" instead of "Olodo/Ode"
  • "Cinder Block" instead of "Bricks"
  • "Concrete" instead of "Cement"
  • "Peugeot" instead of "Pe-geot"
  • "Trash Can" instead of "Dozbin"
  • "Shower" instead of "Bath"
  • "Power is out" instead of " NEPA has taken light"
  • "Phone is dead/cut off" instead of "NITEL"
  • "Cop" instead of "MoPol"
  • "Traffic Light" instead of "Yellow Fever"
  • "Cab" instead of "Taxi"
  • "E-Mail" instead of "What???" (Just kidding some know what e-mail is)
  • "Hit me up later" instead of "We go yan"
  • "Pass Out" instead of "Graduate"
  • "Security Guard" instead of "Gateman"
  • "Cafeteria" instead of "Canteen"
  • "Faucet" instead of "Tap"
  • "Steal" instead of Tap"
  • "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit" (Cabin)
  • "Pants" instead of "trouser/trousee"
  • "underwear" instead of "pant"
  • "VCR" instead of "Video"
  • "Movie" instead of "Film"
  • "Extensions" instead of "Attachment" (Hair)
  • "Lotion" instead of "Cream"
  • "Compact/Press Powder" instead of "Pancake"
  • "Cornrows" instead of "weave"
  • "Weave" instead of "Weave-on"
  • "Suitcase" instead of "Box"
  • "High school" instead of "Secondary School"
  • "Grade school" instead of "Primary school"
  • "Wifebeater" instead of "singlet"
  • "Sneakers" instead of "Canvas"
  • "Soccer" instead of "Football"
  • "Motorcycle" instead of "meshin", or "okada"
  • College" instead of "yunivasiti"
  • "Car" instead of "moto"
  • "Flipflops" instead of "silpas"
  • "Nail polish" instead of "Cotex"
  • "Braids" instead of "Bob Mali"
  • "gum" instead of "chin-gum"
  • "smoke" instead of "tab"
  • "Shower" instead of "Baaf"
  • "Clothes" instead of "Spoot"
  • "Hallway" instead of "Corridoor"
  • "Living/Sitting Room" instead of "Paalor
  • "Balcony" instead of "Varanda"
  • "Stab/Poke" instead of "Chook"
  • "Ballpoint" instead of "Buyro" or "Beek"
  • "African American" instead of "... ok I won't go there!!!
  • "Sandals" instead of "Bata"... as in Cortina
  • "VW Bug" instead of "Bittle"
  • "Arithmetic" instead of "Mats"
  • "Abroad" instead of "Oversis"
  • "Luggage" instead of "Load" ... or for my Igbo peeps... "Ngwongwo"
  • "Menthol" instead of "Veeks"
  • "Tetanus" instead of "Jeega Shot (rx)" instead of "injekshun"
  • "Boss" instead of "Oga"
  • "CEO" instead of "Oga Pata pata"
  • "Manners" instead of "Home training"
  • "Circle" instead of "roundabout"
  • "Projects" instead of "GRA ...government residential area"
  • "Apartment building" instead of "blok of flats"
  • "Carpool" instead of "Kabu kabu"
  • "Flashlight" instead of "touch"
  • "Hoe ( not the digging instrument )" instead of "Ashawo"
  • "Knock knees" instead of "k leg"
  • "Eye infection" instead of "Appolo" ... cureable only by flushing eyes out with sugar water

 Hi -Tech in Nigeria

 
Hi All,

The day's stress getting into you? You need to read this.
OK.

An American, a Japanese, and a Nigerian were sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The American presses his forearm and
the
beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager,"
he
says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes
later a
phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he
explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Nigerian, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided
he
had to do something just as impressive. He steps Out of the sauna and
goes
to the toilet. He returns with a piece of Toilet paper hanging from his
butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's
that?" "I'm
getting a Fax," he explains.



NIGERIA AIR 

(Source: unknown)

You know you are flying Nigeria Air when.......
  1. You get to the airport before the ticket counter staff.
  2. Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator.
  3. The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says .." beg yu checkeen dis piece of luggage fah mi nuh... "
  4. Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a.system says that "..this is NOT a boarding announcement.".
  5. You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a Toyota engine block into the overhead compartment.
  6. At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent (body guard or escort).
  7. No magazine or news paper to read unless if you bring one.
  8. Everybody is trying to figure out what "Port of Embarkation" means.
  9. When the passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising one leg and mutters .. "Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!"
  10. Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to "heat up dis fufu soup fi mi nuh deariee".
  11. The overhead compartment smells like fish and rum.... then it starts to drip on you.
  12. Most of the passengers clap and clap when the pilot lands the plane gentleeee.
  13. Everybody who has a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave goes straight to the "Nothing to Declare" line
  14. The steward serves you a hard bread bun and tells you "ol boy, no Tea oh"

 

 


The Barber 

(Source: Unknown)

An American priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a British police officer on vacation came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Nigerian Businessman came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "If you are really a Nigerian then you don't have to pay since you are from the same country as Akeem Olajuwon the basketballer."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Nigerians in front of his door waiting for a haircut!!!

 

 


Electric Power 

(Source: Unknown)

One day the National Electric Power Authority (NEPA) put up a notice that said: "To help us help you, please report all electric faults to us. Thank you."

About a week later one man just went to the NEPA station to report electric faults in his area. When he got to the station, the old man said:

"I hope there is no problem O. I just came here to report that we have been having frequent power supply in our area for the past one week."

NEPA is the electric power company in Nigeria, and they are known for randomly cutting off the power supply. In fact, there used to be a joke that NEPA stands for "Never Expect Power Always".

 

 

 

 



RECALL NOTICE

     The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units

     manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious

     defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

     

     This is due to a willful malfunction in the original prototype

     units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of

     the same defect in all subsequent units.

     

     This defect has been technically termed,

     "Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality," or more commonly known

     as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.

     

     Some other symptoms:

     

     [a] Loss of direction

     [b] Foul vocal emissions

     [c] Amnesia of origin

     [d] Lack of peace and joy

     [e] Selfish or violent behavior

     [f] Depression or confusion in the mental component

     [g] Fearfulness

     [h] Idolatry

     [i] Rebellion

     

     The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this

     defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free

     of charge to correct this SIN defect.

     

     The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to

     bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.

     There is no additional fee required.

     

     The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is:

     P-R-A-Y-E-R.

     

     Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the

     REPENTANCE procedure.

     

     Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into

     the heart component.

     

     No matter how big or small the SIN defect is,

     Jesus will replace it with:

     

     [a] Love

     [b] Joy

     [c] Peace

     [d] Patience

     [e] Kindness

     [f] Goodness

     [g] Faithfulness

     [h] Gentleness

     [i] Self-control

     

     Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details

     on the use of these fixes.

     

     As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all

     repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and

     assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician,

     The Holy Ghost.

     

     Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up

     permanent residence on the premises!

     

     WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without

     correction voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit

     to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in

     the human unit being permanently impounded.

     

     For free emergency service, call on JESUS.

     

     DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall

     action will have to be scrapped in the furnace.

     The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to

     prevent contamination of that facility.

     

     Thank you for your attention.

 

 

 

 

Consequences of marrying someone in IT...
HI ALL, 

                                                                                                                                         ARE YOU CONSIDERING MARRYING AN IT PERSON, I THINK YOU BETTER HAVE A RETHINK IF YOU ARE NOT ALREADY MARRIED TO ONE

 This is the consequence of marrying someone who's in IT line.

 Ending the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband

 who happens to be a Systems administrator.

 Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now

logged in."

 Wife : Have you brought the grocery?

 Husband : Bad command or filename.

 Wife : But I told you in the morning

 Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

 Wife : What about my new TV?

 Husband : Variable not found ...

 Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some

shopping.

 Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied

 Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you

just being funny?

 Husband : Too many parameters ...

 Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

 Husband : Data type mismatch.

 Wife : You are useless.

 Husband : It's by Default.

 Wife : What about your Salary?

 Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

 Wife : What is my value in the family.

 Husband : Unknown Virus

 In the middle of the night, the husband wants to make

 love with his wife, he tried to touch the wife, but then

 the wife said: SORRY, ACCESS DENIED!!


 

THE ROAD TO SUCCESS

The road to success is not straight.
 There is a curve called Failure,
A loop called Confusion,
 speed bumps called Friends,
 Red lights called Enemies,
 caution lights called Family.
 You will have flats called Jobs.
 But ...
if you have a spare called Determination,
an Engine called Perseverance,
 insurance called Faith, and
A driver called God,
you will make it to a place called Success.

 

 

 

 

Packaging

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he

had admired a beautiful sports car

in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told

him that was all he wanted. As Graduation

Day approached the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.

Finally, on the morning of his Graduation, his father called him into his

private study. His father told him how proud

he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He

handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift

box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and

found a lovely, leather-bound Bible,

with the young man's name embossed in bold. Angrily, he raised his voice to

his father and said, "With all your

money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had

a beautiful home and wonderful

family, but realized his father was very old and thought perhaps he should

go to him. He had not seen him since

that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a

telegram telling him his father had passed

away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home

immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his

heart. He began to search through his

father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left

it years ago. With tears, he opened the

Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a

verse, Matthew 7:11 "And if ye, being evil,

know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your

Heavenly father which is in heaven, give to those

who ask Him?" As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the

Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's

name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was

the date of his graduation, and the words 'PAID IN FULL.'

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as

expected? If this touched your heart please pass it on...

 


 

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